No, We’re Not Friends Anymore

My freshly washed hair is still damp against my scalp
Bound by a plastic jaw with a squeaky hinge
In a knot that’s so tight it feels my ears are pulled back.

The air conditioning hums innocently, oblivious
To the tiny goose bumps raised along my nutty brown arms
And the hum in my head switches to a dull throb.

So many questions and half finished sentences
Swim frantically searching for a shore to lie panting on
They’re being chased by accusations waiting to attack.

There’s a fair dose of guilt waiting in the wings
Tallying up the who hurt whom, how much and why
To figure when exactly this friendship became a job.

It’s not you, it’s me, and we’ve grown apart slowly
The lines sound hollow, they won’t fit this time
Cowardice suggests walking away as a simple option.

I think why not confront instead, spill out the things
That I’ve left unsaid, clenching teeth, faking smiles
When I’d rather just have shaken her by the shoulders.

All those random words crowd my mind as I hear
My fingernails clicking against the keyboard
And slowly my anger gives way to gumption.

I don’t want to end this connection on a bad note
Let irritation ruin a symphony of good times
Strew this path with a series of emotional boulders.

So I swallow my rage and instead calm my thoughts
With rationalisations about longing and loneliness
And how an emptiness was trying to be filled.

I feel generous even though it weighs on me
And I sigh with regret about my decision
To let this grudge trudge on, instead of it being killed.

(Office, June 17,2006)